my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
