How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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