fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
