Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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