Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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