I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
