I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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