help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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