we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
