All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
