dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
