I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
