I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
