Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
