they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
