On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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