things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
