Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
