I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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