if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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