why didn't you poke me back
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
