tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We are two peas in an std pod
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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