is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
