Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.