I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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