Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
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I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
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That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20