i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
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It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
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He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you