She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
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Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
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I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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