dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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