Rock
Scissors
Fuck
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
