He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
