i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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