conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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