Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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