I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
