at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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