i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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