there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
