Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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