I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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