well I can't set my house on fire every night
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
