We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
