Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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