It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
