how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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