i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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