Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
