I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Acid is not a monday night drug
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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