I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
