Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
