As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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