we have officially lost it.
I think my vagina is haunted
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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