I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
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Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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