We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
