he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
