Cold hands, warm shart.
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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