You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
